The Magic Shop: Take Two
Casting the ERB Glamour
by
R.E. Prindle
for George T. McWhorter
Do you believe in the magic of a
young girl’s heart…
Do you believe in magic?
--John Sebastian
So there I
was sitting in front of my word processor with a beer in hand waiting for
inspiration. Godot was right on time
compared to inspiration. I’ve sat that
way for weeks at a stretch with nothing in sight. Still, a writer is nothing without patience.
So, it
wasn’t exactly inspiration that came my way but after staring out the window
for only a second or two watching a squirrel trying to bury a nut while I took
a couple pulls from my beer I turned back to my word processor and darned if
there wasn’t something typed on that previously blank sheet of paper. It wasn’t inspiration, just the single word
LOUISVILLE exactly centered.
Well, I knew
there were a bunch of Louies over in France.
For some reason they had a rule that they had to name their sovereigns
Louis hence they all had numbers in Roman numerals like the Super Bowl although
if I remember rightly for the kings they didn’t go that high. I guess the Super Bowl has had more time to
add up the numbers. As a mnemonic trick
they dropped the numbers sometimes giving them nicknames like Louis the Inept,
Louis the Cheap, Louis the Crapshooter and so on. So I thought there was maybe a Louis cemetery
over in France around which they built a town called Louisville from the
graves. I was ready to leave right
away. Just to make sure I got out my
atlas to look it up in the back where they list all the towns in the world.
Know
what? Louisville wasn’t even in France
at all although it sounds just like it should be. Know something else? Louisville is right here in the United
States. Kentucky to be exact. The way its situated on the map you might
even think it was the gateway to the South.
I was musing
over that puzzler when I looked back at
the sheet in the WP and the word Louisville had been disappeared being replaced
by the word GO. I pulled another pull on
my beer looking away with my jaw dropped and tongue sticking out pondering
mightily. I looked back and the GO had
disappeared replaced by the word NOW.
That was sort of a species of inspiration, I thought, while certainly an
invitation to further procrastination. No
more procrastination for me. I took it.
One might say I leaped at it.
My first
thought to get there was to shinny up a superstring and bend it to my will
sliding down the apex into Louisville.
It was a good idea and would have been a cheap way to go but
superstrings are hard to find when you want one in this universe. Ever tried to signal taxi when you wanted
one? Superstrings are even harder.
That
failing, my next thought was a good worm hole that might shorten the distance
to like, a walk across the street. If
you think superstrings are hard to find, try worm holes.
I had to
settle for a commercial airline and the loss of a few hundred dollars and a
further loss of self-respect and dignity getting through what they’re pleased
to call security at the airport but that 737-800 dropped me right down at the
Louisville International Airport in the heartland, fly-over America, and there
I was right where I was supposed to be, where fate wanted me, although I had
had no further communications from the Great Beyond and didn’t know what to do
next.
I approached
an official looking sort and stumblingly began, ‘You, uh, Louisville…’ He interrupted quickly saying: ‘Yes, the University of Louisville. Right down on Third Street. Keep your eyes open, you can’t miss it.’
I thought I
had read some rule somewhere that said no body can remain inert for very long
and as I had received no further communications I thought this might be the one
so I found my way down to this University of Louisville which was right where
this official type said it should be.
By this time
a sense of eeriness is building in me, what the Irish call the Glamour, so I
began to develop this irreal feeling. As
I usually do when I’m mystified I put my hands in my pockets to show my defenselessness
to Fate and looked around. Being a
writer I like books and I knew from experience that libraries are full of books
or at least ought and used to be.
Nowadays though, things changing so fast as they do, you can’t never tell. It was cold outside there in the Gateway to
the South so I decided not to procrastinate further. I went inside.
I was
right. Things were changing. No books In sight. The first thing I saw was some kind of
automat but it didn’t have any pie slots.
I wanted pie. I had to go without
because while I was walking around this thing I spotted six doors, free
standing in the middle of a large area looking something like this automat I
mentioned. By now the glamour was all
over me. I was beginning to think…I
don’t know…let’s be fair and balanced and you decide.
I walked
over to these strange six doors that looked like avenues to destiny and bingo!
Door number three popped open. I walked
over to investigate this seeming invitation to partake in an adventure stepping
through into what was this little tiny cubicle.
I turned to step back out when, as so often happens to the unwary, the
door closed on me trapping me inside. I
was beginning to think I was a character in a Tarzan novel. I
scratched my chin which I often found productive of results. As I did so the floor began to fall away from
me taking me down with it. I was
apparently being lowered into the infernal regions. I wasn’t far from wrong.
After a
little while the floor came back up to me and it was like I was standing on
solid ground again but I didn’t trust it.
Just then the door popped back open, a demon of some sort rushed in so I
hopped out. I don’t think that was a
mistake but at the same time it wasn’t a wise move.
Immediately
facing me were six horses. Why, of course, I though they were the flesh eating
mares of Greek mythology come to life.
Who wouldn’t think that? I
fumbled in my pocket for a weapon but as the airline had confiscated my letter
opener as a dangerous weapon of hi-jackers I had only my trusty plastic ball
point, no less formidable, however, as a weapon. It was pointed, It was a good gell writer that had cost me a
dollar twenty-five at the dozen rate, you see, as a writer I need a stash of
pens, so I was using it to devastating effect slashing away at the rearing
noses of those man eating mares when this centurion or something who later
turned out to be an old codger calling himself, Janitor, asked me what I was
doing
‘Think I’m
doing? What, are you blind?’ I cried, ‘I’m defending myself against these
man-eating mares.’
‘Why, you
fool.’ He replied with unnecessary
acerbity and widely distended nostril resembling those of the mares, ‘Those ain’t
man-eating mares, those are fifteenth century Ming Dynasty ceramic horses. Those were given us by the Barren Estate and
now you’ve ruined one of them, those ink stains will never come off.’
‘Sure they
will.’ I said defiantly. Then as a diversionary tactic I questioned
his century, asserting that they were most certainly sixteenth century hoping
he might be wrong, or that failing, perhaps he didn’t know anymore about the matter
than I did.
I did look
at these man eating mares more closely.
When I looked back at the Centurion I realized that he was some sort of
a shape changer and he was not an old codger who looked just like a janitor he
was one. When I looked back at the mares
I saw that he had changed them to these life sized Ming Dynasty, of whatever
century, ceramic horses. My defensive
maneuvers had indeed been converted into ink stains. I was steady as a rock though. I reached up with my sleeve to polish the
nose. A lot of the ink came off
too. While I was doing this, I looked to
the right, which is the direction of truth, when I was almost blinded by the
sight.
There
standing in the doorway of a room over which the legend ‘Department Of Rare
Books’ had appeared was the most dazzling apparition I had ever seen. It was the Princess Delinda. She must have
been the sister of Ozma she was so beautiful.
So, there
were books in this library. But they
were rare there or they wouldn’t have claimed to be. Books took second place in my thoughts now
that the Princess Delinda was before me.
She
spoke. She said: ‘The Wizard has been expecting you.’
‘The
Wizard?’
‘Yes. Follow
me.’
That was
easy to do. I wasn’t going to refuse
that invitation so I fell in behind. She
led me to a cubicle not much larger than the one I had descended in to confront
the man-eating horses. I wasn’t about to
be caught in the same trap twice in a row so rather than going in I waited for
this Wizard type to come out. He did.
As Wizards
go he was representative of the type.
Shortish and roundish although not so much as his counterpart in
OZ. He was apparently in charge of the
same sort of apparatus as that wizard however because from that little cubicle
I found he directed the worldwide operations of a clandestine group called the
Burroughs Bibliophiles. Whether they
were related the Rosicrucian’s, Theosophists or groups of that stripe I never
did find out.
The Princess
Delinda cast a sweet glance at me disappearing into another cubicle as she did
so. This left me facing this crusty old
buzzard alone. As he had been expecting
me this Wizard as he called himself had refreshments already made. I don’t know what it was exactly, he gave it
a strange name, but it was liquid.
‘I have the
ingredients shipped in from the mysterious East.’ He smiled no less mysteriously.
I looked at
the can the stuff had come from and it said New York City which was mysterious
and East enough for me so I nodded my head knowingly. ‘It’s good.’
I intoned.
‘You finally
came.’ He said. ‘You can call me George T. when you get tired
of calling me Wizard.’ He politely
remarked. ‘So, you know something about
Edgar Rice Burroughs?’ The Wizard George
T. smiled.
‘What
luck!’ I thought to myself, I stumbled
into the right Secret Society. I do know something about Edgar Rice Burroughs.’ ‘Yes, I do.’
I hastily replied trying to insinuate myself into his good graces. ‘Yes, I came here looking for inspiration
where I was advised I could find it. I
thought that was as good an answer as any and besides I had been looking for
inspiration for several weeks. I thought
he might be flattered because I thought I could find some here in Louisville,
unlikely place but, you know, strange things happen.
‘Well, you
came to the right place.’ George T.
smiled. ‘We have the largest collection
of Edgar Rice Burroughs material anywhere on the planet, in the solar system,
in this universe or any of the millions of parallel universes in
existence. Does that surprise you?’
Well, I had
several parallel universes inside me filled with multiple personalities so that
I already was living several lives simultaneously, ‘Not me.’
I snorted with just a touch of arrogance. ‘I’ve been everywhere, man, I’ve been
everywhere. I’ve been places in parallel
universes you can’t even imagine.’ I
gave him such a knowing leer he fairly melted beneath it or at least he appeared
glazed.
Apparently
used to such extravagances he gave me a pleasant smile while I looked around
for another glimpse of the Princess Delinda.
‘Step in.’ He said indicating his
cubicle. I hesitated, began to think up
some explanation about descending floors but then in a fit of bravado I threw
caution to the winds deciding to just take my chances, cast my fate to the
winds. Adventures to the adventurous I
thought. I came off astute because
nothing happened.
We chatted for
a while. Talked over Edgar Rice
Burroughs pretty thoroughly. I thought I
knew somewhat about Burroughs having been a Tarzan fan in youth and actually I
had read up on Burroughs just recently but George T. was something to
behold. He holds out this book and says
to me: ‘I wrote this.’ It was a thick book. As a writer I’m not jealous of other people’s
success so I admired his volume wholeheartedly, if not even fulsomely, to show
my good will.
‘Say, you
know, George T.’ I said to show I knew
what writing was all about. ‘I’ve written
a little myself. To be on the level with
you I’ve even written a few essays on Burroughs. I’ve even had a couple published by the
Burroughs Bulletin.’
When I said
this the Wizard looked a little puzzled.
He reached behind him picking up a manuscript pushing it toward me. I must have slipped through some sort of space
warp. Damned if it wasn’t one of
mine. May have been that stuff he gave
me to drink.
‘Perhaps you
wrote this in another incarnation.’ He
smiled.
I had, sort
of. I had written it under the name of
Dugald Warbaby. Let me say right now
that name is not pronounced Doo-gald as everybody does. It’s pronounce Dug-ald. Consider Ronald, Donald, Gerald, Fernald,
Harald and many others. Same ending,
ald, but you don’t say Row-nald, Doo-nald or Gee-rald. You say Ron-ald, Don-ald and Jer-ald. Simple.
Same principle with Dugald. Dug
not Doo. Still I’ve had people want to
argue with me about it. Don’t. It is Dug-ald. Call me Doug when I’m in that incarnation.
Now that
George T. had called Doug up I slipped into that facet of my personality. Doug speaks with a back country accent so I
changed from my normal movie style bland pronunciation into the hick accent
which some of my hillbilly ancestors used.
I mean, I grew up with this stuff.
I can cornpone it with the best or them or, at least, Warbaby can. It embarrasses me to talk that way, although
this was Kentucky not that far from Bowling Green from which my people came.
Anyway,
George T. had somehow acquired copies of my essays. He knew about all of us. The Prindles, Warbaby and Dr. Anton because we’d all written essays, sometimes in
collaboration. But, I could explain this
and I did.
The Wizard
led me into it. ‘The range of knowledge
you display is quite remarkable.’ He
said, looking at me sharply now as Warbaby answered with that remarkable
accent. ‘You must have a remarkable memory.’
‘My natural
memory has always been good.’ I replied
through Warbaby’s nose. ‘But I have had
to resort to an artificial memory system to manage information as my learning
has expanded.’
‘How’s
that?’ The Wizard asked with heightened
interest.
I decided to
fan my entire deck out before him. If he
really wanted to know this I was really going to tell him.
‘Well, my
volume of memory information has to be organized for recall. I once knew a man who said he didn’t want any
new memories because he liked the ones he had.
He didn’t want to lose them by which I suppose he meant their
immediacy. Memories certainly lose their
prominence as others are added. I laughed
at him at the time but as I soon learned without a system to manage them and
method of recall there isn’t room in the mind for infinite information. New memories do shove old ones aside.
My first
attempt to overcome this effect was compartmentalization which was effective
but not thorough. I read Homer’s Iliad
on a fairly regular basis in an attempt to penetrate his meaning. I am fascinated in his personification of
Zeus as the Mind of Infinite Power. A
handy mind to have.
I had been
working on a system that displaced information from the inside of the mind, so
to speak, to a putative external apparatus when I read this book by Frances
Yates called ‘The Art Of Memory.’
I don’t know
whether I would have stumbled on the solution on my own, I like to think I
would, being of the vain sort, but Yates ran thorugh memory systems from the
time of Simonedes who is supposed to have invented the concept c. something BC
but anyone who had read Homer must be astonished by the volume of material he
has organized so consummately well.
Perhaps I derived my system from Homer and his Mind of almost absolute
power. His is certainly as astonishing
in its power as any I have encountered.
Anyway the
story of Simonedes, a professional poet and praise singer, is that he was
employed by a Roman grandee to sing his praises at a banquet. As was the custom Simonides cast the praise
within the context of the gods, in this case Castor and Polydeukes, the Gemini. After his presentation at the banquet his
employer would only give him half pay as the man said that because he had paid
for a full eulogy half had been given to the Gemini.
Well,
Simonides took his place at the table of fifty-four, suffering in silence as,
indeed, he had little choice. Mid-dinner
the steward advised him that there were two gentlemen without the building who
wished his attendance. Not unwillingly
Simonides left the banquet to meet the gentlemen outside who were in fact the
Gemini in human disguise.
While Simonides
was outside talking to the Gemini the roof of the building collapsed killing
and crushing beyond recognition all the diners.
Simonides was able to recall each diner because in his memory system he
had attached a name to each chair. Hence
Simonedes is imagined to be the inventor of the memory system but I am sure such
systems existed before Simonides.
Unfortunately,
memory systems with items attached to objects burdens the memory with an
irrelevant scene. I thought
futilely. However I had been working
with the Astrological religion which is built around the Zodiac and the
Constellations.
This seemed
perfect as I could construct an imaginary Zodiac a foot or two from my head,
surrounding it. Thus, I could displace
memories outside my skull, as it were, freeing up cerebral space for new memory
formation and projection onto the Zodiac.
An illusion perhaps, but effective.
The heavens thus formed a gigantic cap for me.
Now, a
circle has three hundred sixty degrees of which each sign occupies thirty degrees. Each sign is further divided into three
decans for greater convenience. Each
degree within a decan is further divided into sixty minutes, each minute, sixty
seconds. Each decan can be divided horizontally
into latitudes of ten or as many as you like.
Therefore as you can see one already has almost infinite memory but the
seven layers of heaven and all the constellations are left over.
Now, to
manage this memory one man alone is not adequate so I projected five identities,
Dugald Warbaby, R.E. and Ronald E., the Prindles or Gemini, and Dr. Anton
Polarion. Anton, a wonderful person in
his own right, is the psychologist of the group, psychology being of the
essence of the intellect. R.E. Prindle
handles the literary aspects, Ronald E. the scientific side while Warbaby as
his name implies is a rough and tumble sort of coordinator in charge of cross
referencing. I am, of course, if not a
Mind of Absolute Power, the facilitator who keeps everything in order while
creating capacity.
All five men
face the 360/1 degree divisor and unfier, True North, if you will. Ouroboros and all that.
When reading
there is constant comparison and cross referencing which is the most difficult
part.
‘That’s
interesting but it almost sounds, how shall I say…’
‘Crazy or
looney? Not if you really understand
psychology. Actually the whole Judaeo-Christian
religion is founded on just such a projection which is what taking it to the
Lord in prayer means. If you read St.
Augustine’s Confessions properly one would have to say the guy was insane. The whole book is a conversation with his
imagined god who he believes is talking back to him. Now, that’s crazy. I don’t have to believe in the persons of my
memory system to make work and work it does.
If I may give
an example of a man with a brilliant memory who because mankind is unable to
accept the full range of its possibilities, has been rendered odious and taboo,
I will illustrate my point by a feat performed by the infamous Adolf
Hitler. From my own point of view it is
ridiculous to exclude any person or aspect of human nature from examination or
consideration. There is no one worse
than a child molester in my estimation yet we study the type to understand
it. I find it very difficult to imagine
Hitler any more odious than that or,
say, the Catholic inquisition which brings us to the point of my illustration.
Himmler, a
Catholic and founder of the Order of the SS had compiled a map showing the area
from which the SS were primarily recruited and the area of the SA. Hitler was shown the map by Himmler. I’ve seen a similar map before, Hitler
remarked. Himmler replied that it was
impossible as the map had just been completed.
Not the
content, Hitler replied, Ah, I have it now.
In gymnasium I saw this line as showing the divisions between the Lutherans
and Catholics.
So, that by
remembering the contours of the earlier map, being able to compare the content
of both in his mind, and being able to identify the reason for the composition
of the SS and SA. In fact, the SS was
primarily recruited from Catholics while the SA were primarily Lutherans. Further conclusions can also be drawn through
analysis depending on which facts having been catalogued in a memory system can
be recalled and cross referenced.
While quite
brilliant intellectually Hitler was lacking an integrated personality thus in
control of the waters of the subconscious which led him to commit unconscionable
errors for irrational reasons. In other
words, his acts couldn’t produce the results he desired.
His main
objective was to defeat Communism, in which he was indirectly successful. At the time the Communists were within a hair
of success. Popular Front governments which
were Communist in fact existed everywhere including the Roosevelt
administration of the United States.
Italy and Spain were the sole exceptions. During the war the resistance in the United
States was able to organize itself against Roosevelt and the Reds surfacing after
the war as the dominant political influence in the US. They then spread their anti-Communist or
pro-American influence, as you will, around the world not controlled by the
Communists. They thus inherited the
anti-Communist attitude of Hitler which was recognized by the Reds who immediately
labeled the United States as Fascist. A little
distorted projection, but one having some merit as being opposed to their
interests. Thus Hitler aborted what was
a seeming victory for the Reds. Reagan’s
defeat of Communism forty years later was actually a consequence of Hitler’s
beginning. Of course, one is forbidden in
academic circles and, indeed, in society in general from any such objective
analysis of Hitler’s influence. You will
forget immediately that I brought it up.
The world suffers a lack of integrity as a result.
But, as far
as considering Hitler outside the pale of humanity, I don’t. As John Donne said: Send not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls
for thee.
Look at this
caricature of society around us created by quite common place minds and tell me
which is more evil.’
The Wizard
eyed me intently. I had broached a
forbidden topic and discussed it in a forbidden manner. My fate hung in the balance. As a free American and the son of the
Greatest Generation which had taken arms to defend Liberty from tyrants I
waited breathlessly. Well, there was a
star spangled banner waving somewhere over the land of the free and the home of
the brave. The Wizard, George T. eyed me intently then said airily: ‘I can’t follow non sequiturs.’ Dismissing the issue.
I breathed
more easily. The old duck must have all
his marbles in the right place.
‘You
mentioned Homer.’ He continued. ‘We have a writer who believes that Homer and
Burroughs are quite related in manner.
He thinks Burroughs based his style on Homer.’
I paused for
a moment. I hadn’t taken my thought
quite in that direction although a relationship had occurred to me. I mused for a moment then said. ‘Well, I don’t think it’s impossible but I’d
have to consider his arguments. I think
Burroughs does organize like Homer.’
The Wizard’s
face broke into a broad smile: ‘Why don’t
I show you the collection? He said.
I tried not
to show relief but enthusiasm. I must
have passed some kind of test.
When George
T. began to show the collection he
remarked that he found my essays interesting.
‘My essays interesting,’ I
thought, how could he know about them?’
Then the
Glamour began to dissolve. I couldn’t
imagine how I could have been so befuddled.
It was like a dream cap had fallen over my head now being removed.
Of course,
this was the Burroughs collection at the University of Louisville in
Louisville, Kentucky. I wrote essays for
the Burroughs bulletin which this chubby guy accepted and published. This guy wasn’t any wizard, this guy was
George T. McWhorter. He was a librarian
for gosh sakes. But, still, not only had
he gathered together the most phenomenal collection of Burroughs stuff but he
had found a way to perpetuate his interest by incorporating it into the rare book
collection of a university.
He had single
handedly organized the Burroughs corpus into an ongoing entity. But, now, get this. I don’t only write about Burroughs but I
incorporate literary relationships with H.G. Wells, Aldous Huxley and others. Listen, he had me covered in every direction I
went. No one, for instance, had
associated Burroughs with Wells but he had all the first editions of
Wells. Absolutely no one but me had
associated Huxley with both Wells and Burroughs yet there were Huxley’s first editions
too.
I was
astounded. This was too spooky, too eerie. George had shown me item after item and he
was going back for more. Henry Herbert
Knibbs wasn’t too out of line for Burroughs Bibliophiles but George just stood
there grinning with this stuff in his hands.
I mean, I
knew, or thought I did, that he couldn’t have made the associations that I had
but I had been anticipated at every hard won thought. Nonsense, I said to myself and just as I had
failed to recognize where I was or who George was, this can’t be true.
I still don’t
think it was but there you have it, I’m telling it just like it could have
happened.
Thank god it
was getting late so I had a reason to excuse myself and get out of there. George pressed a couple welome copies of old
Burroughs Bulletins on me as a friendly gesture smiling that enigmatic smile of
his. As I backed toward the door I
tripped over a bookend he’d placed in my way as another test of some kind, I
guess.
I didn’t
miss a beat though. I just picked it up,
put it on the table and said: Geez, George,
you oughta be more careful.
The glamour
of ERB was off. I realized how foolish I
had been in thinking I was anywhere but in the basement of a college library
when after saying goodbye again, checking the floor for any other obstacles he
may have placed there George gave me a smile and said: You did the right thing in answering the
CALL.
I was still
apprehensive as I approached those ceramic Ming horses that, how can I explain
it, I thought were flesh eating mares.
As I looked around now I saw that the basement was filled with donations
from avid collectors, well to do or not, who hoped to buy a little bit of
immortality in University collections rather than returning the stuff to
circulation to be hidden away in private collections before surfacing again
decades later.
Some of this
stuff looked like it had sitting there decades waiting to be catalogued then
stuffed away in storage to be unseen for more decades.
I thought
the glamour was off but then that most beautiful Princess Delinda swept by,
trailing, I swear, clouds of stardust. She
didn’t even give me a glance. Ah well, neither
did Ozma when I visited that Wizard.
Door three
popped open which I now realized was only an elevator. I went up to floor one,
whisked through the metal detectors as uniformed guards with automatic weapons
glared at me. Maybe Orwell was right
but it wasn’t because we had to fear Big Brother it was because of all the
obnoxious little brothers.
Well, it’s
their job to glare but it’s not the America I grew up in.
When I stepped
out into the chill Louisville winter my brain cleared a bit further. I remembered that George had said that it was
good that I had answered the CALL. What
could he know about that? Besides I was
now sure that I had hallucinated the words LOUISVILLE, GO, and NOW on that
blank piece of paper. Or had I?
Was that guy
just George T. McWhorter, the simple librarian of the Department of Rare Books
or was that the Wizard George T., controlling world wide operations from his
little cubicle? I’m a rational guy and I
knew the answer, or, did I? Maybe I was
a man of destiny after all. Maybe, just
maybe, I was Starbegotten too.
Oh well, not
to worry, I was leaving Kentucky and going back home.