Why Socialism Always Fails

by

R.E. Prindle

 

Back before 1917 there were a bunch of Socialist punk conspirators called Bolsheviki who were led by a punk called Vladimir Lenin.  These punks mainly clubbed around Switzerland talking about Social Justice and other incomprehensible stuff  and how they would create the Workers’ Paradise if only they got the chance.

Well, during WWI the dumb Germans gave them their chance, put them in a few sealed cattle cars and shipped them from Switzerland to the Finland Station.  When they got to St. Petersburg, later called Leningrad, then again St. Petersburg, they really didn’t know what to do except hang around but for one punk with the unlikely name of Trotsky.  Trotsky got the ball rolling and the Bolsheviki took over.  They were now in control of the biggest, richest country in the world.  But, they were still at a loss of what to do except throw people in jail and kill them.  In their zeal for Social Justice, as witnessed by all those prisoners, they forgot one thing- it takes a lot of money to make things work.

None of them had ever had any money so they probably didn’t know what to do to get it unless they stole it, their usual method.  So, they had this great big country but they didn’t have a clue.  Well, there’s only two ways to get money and that is to borrow, work for it, or steal it.  Is that three ways?  Really?  Well, three then.  They didn’t know how to do the middle part so that left borrowing and stealing.  That’s two.  Isn’t that what I said?

There weren’t any socialists with money around so the only people with money were the capitalists.  Some called that planning; others called it theft.   They were a happy prosperous lot, already driving around in Cadillac cars, Fords for the hoi polloi otherwise known as workers, and flying airplanes. 

The Bolsheviki tapped the first source.  The Kuhn Loebs and the Rothschilds of the world were only too anxious to funnel millions their way.  However, let us not overlook the fact that it takes more than millions to run the biggest country in the world.

The Bosheviki had already destroyed the Russian economy because the word economics smells of Capitalism. So they looked around and discovered the accumulated wealth of things in Russia.  For a few hundred years  the Russians had been making money and buying things so they had lots of stuff like famous pictures, diamonds and jewelry and fur coats, the churches were loaded with artefacts so to these Bolsheviki who didn’t understand making money to buy this stuff, this stuff looked valuable, the real thing.  Same as money, right?  Guess what they did.  They stole it.  The greatest heist of all time.  This was sensational.  They looted the people who had the stuff and drove them out of the country.  There went the productive people of Russian society.

Now they had warehouses of this stuff.  Warehouses and warehouses, thousands of used fur coats and this other used stuff.  Second hand.  But, you can’t run a country because you possess heaps of decorative crap.   They had to sell those stolen goods to get at the cash.  Who had the cash to buy this junk?  You guessed it!  People in the so-called Capitalist countries.  So these criminals had to set up fences to turn this stuff into cash.  They recruited, amongst others, some American (loosely defined) shlub to help move this crap by the name of Armand Hammer.  Imagine the Bolsheviki found a guy named Arm and Hammer.  What a coincidence.

So Armand Hammer packed a bunch of stolen pictures, sounds like the Nazis doesn’t it, under his arm and beat the bushes of the US finding people to buy this stuff, really nice pictures too.  He didn’t have much trouble.  The Mellons, the Edward G. Robinsons lined up to get these bargains.  So it was all over the world.  The Smithsonian bought some, other museums bought this stolen artwork and they knew where it came from too.  When it came to diamonds even the British monarchs bought some of the Russian crown jewels, those of the Czars.  What a wonderful time to have a few spare dollars hey?

But you know how it is with fenced goods.  They go for a fraction of their value.  Even with loans the proceeds weren’t enough to run the country.  The Bolsheviki got desperate.  They formed the NEP.  New Economic Policy.  Oh, oh, that word that smacks of Capitalism.  But now, guess what?  Work worked.  The country began to prosper.  But then the Bolsheviki realized that they were dabbling in Capitalism so they knocked that crap off right away and the country sank back into absolute poverty.

So that’s why Socialism will never work.  Because Socialists don’t understand the function of money.  They think money just exists like water.  If you have a barrel of water it gets used up and no more water.  That’s ow money worked, they thought.  There’s only so much and greedy Capitalists have discovered ways to capture all the money leaving none for the poor.  They never think of refilling the barrel.  And that friends is why Socialism always fails.  Socialists aren’t very bright.